My coming out

Have I come out? I guess I can now say: "yes, I have" !
This is my story...

06-11-2000:
I first told a good friend that I'm bisexual. I would have liked to have told my family first, but for some reason I couldn't. Instead I decided to tell him. I pretty much knew how he would react and was confidant that it would be all right. And thankfully he reacted positively and even supportive.
After telling him I felt relieved, like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. There was finally someone I could talk to if I needed to. I didn't feel so lonely anymore concerning my bisexuality.

11-12-2000:
The next step for me was telling my brother and his wife. A few weeks after my first-coming-out I told them. It wasn't easy. It was hard just bringing up the subject, even though I pretty much knew they would react positively. And they did. We talked about it for about 45 minutes and when I got back home I lay awake in bed thinking about it for at least an hour. I was happy... and it felt (feels) good.

Empty feeling:
A few days after my second-coming-out I felt some what empty inside. The secret I had been carrying with me had left me. At least for a large part. The emptiness feels a bit like freedom. A freedom without the secrets and the lies.

One major step left; telling my parents. I haven't got a cunning plan on how to tell them, but I'll think of something. I don't know why but telling my parents is hard, although I'm pretty sure their reaction will be positive. It's probably because there are a lot more emotions involved.

15-02-2001:
I still haven't told my parents about my bisexuality and my gay feelings. Because of other circumstances there hasn't been a good time to tell them. I have to say that it starts to bother me a bit. I've been ready to tell them since the beginning of the year. I'm getting impatient. I want to tell my friends and other relatives, but my parents deserve to hear it first. I want to be open about it. And right now I feel it's holding me back. I want to tell them. I hope there comes an opportunity soon. I need to get this off my chest.

05-03-2001:
Yes, I finally had the courage to tell my parents. And boy were they cool about it. "As long as you are happy, that's what's important" they said. Last night I said that I needed to tell them something. They looked at me in a strange way. I started telling them about how I like both girls and boys. They asked me a lot of questions and basically told me they were OK about it. They didn't need a lot of convincing and they seem to have accepted it almost immediately. The next morning I woke up in a cheerful mood. Guess why? From here on, I think it's going to be easier. Telling my parents was hard. But boy, do have great parents.  :-))

08-05-2001:
Today I was talking to two women at the swimming pool. I go swimming every week and they are also there every week. We talked about relationships and stuff. And before I realized it, one had asked me whether I liked women or men? I didn't feel like avoiding the issue since I am in the process of coming out. I answered her: "both". She kind of looked surprised but it certainly didn't bother her. And for sure it didn't bother me. I am glad I didn't avoid the question.

27-05-2001:
Another milestone. I told my cousin. To me this was pretty special because he is also gay. I hope I'll be able to talk to him about it and that we can share experiences and thoughts.
Telling him indirectly means that I told my whole family. I expect that within two or three weeks everyone in my family knows about my sexual orientation. I must say: "It's getting easier".

10-07-2001:
What I thought would happen didn't happen. I expected that my whole family knew about my sexual orientation by now. On one hand I'm glad. I rather tell them myself when I feel like it. On the other hand it would have been all out in the open and that is the end result I'm trying to achieve.
I did however let my friend/colleague know. And as I expected it didn't bother him at all.
I seem to be having great friends because up till now they've all reacted positively.

03-10-2001:
Everything is going well for me. I'm happy, I'm living the life I want at the moment and I'm enjoying it. I haven't been circulating in the gay scene yet, but right now it doesn't bother me. I'm not in a relationship and that's okay too. I'm sure it'll happen sometime in the future. That is not something I worry about.

05-02-2002:
I told yet another one. I told my cousin. She's lesbian and came out about three or four years ago. She's someone I wanted to tell about my sexuality myself. It didn't feel right if she were to hear it from someone else. I'm glad I told her.
It's not that we write or speak to each other and I don't think that will change now that I've told her. But, it's just that if I need someone to talk to I know there are now several people I can turn to. And also, with every single person I tell about my sexuality, I feel stronger inside. That urges me to continue telling people.

28-05-2002:
Telling people is getting easier. I noticed this today when I told a good friend of mine about my sexual preference. I've been meaning to tell him for a long time now. But for some reason there's always an edge, something that holds you back that you need to overcome. Today I did.
Yes, I told the most important people in my life and their reaction was (is) very important to me. So, telling the other people in my life (who are not so close to me) becomes less scary. That's probably why coming out to them becomes easier and easier.

03-08-2002:
Today I went with my cousin to the Gay parade (Gay pride) in Amsterdam. At first I didn't want to go, with the weather being bad and so on. But my cousin convinced me to go anyway and I don't regret it. We traveled by train and by the time we arrived in Amsterdam the weather had cleared up nicely.
It was great being around gay people watching the parade. Gays and lesbians paraded on 75 boats through the canals of Amsterdam. Some guys and girls were fantastically dressed and others were hardly dressed at all showing off their bodies. It was a great site to see.
One thing I noticed. I now know how girls feel when guys stare at them. While walking through the streets of Amsterdam I noticed men looking at me; checking me out. This was a completely new experience, but I kind of liked it. An experience I'm sure I can learn to live with.
After the parade we went to two gay bars in Amsterdam. At the first cafe we visited we saw André van Duin; a famous Dutch comedian. Later we watched a mini concert by the Dutch Diva's. It was a great day and a lot of fun.

23-09-2002:
Two days ago I got back from a holiday to Florida, USA.
I don't know what it is, but every time I go on holiday it gives me time to reflect on my life. The last time I had this experience was two years ago when I got back from a holiday to California. Then it prompted me to come out. And I have come out to family, relatives and friends who are close to me.
In Florida I realized something. I know my attraction towards guys is much greater than towards girls. But now I realize how much. Although I am sometime sexually attracted to girls, I am not emotionally interested in them. With guys I am very much both sexually and emotionally attracted to. It's hard to put it into numbers or into ratio. I think I favor guys 90% over girls 10%. So? Am I still bisexual or am I gay?

17-11-2002:
Last night my cousin and I went to the COC disco in the city of Leiden. COC is an organization for homosexual and lesbian people. They have their own disco, they have movie nights and so on.
It is fun being around and talking to other homosexuals. The music they play there is great (exactly the music I like) and some of the guys looked so hot.
It's not much different from any other disco, except here you don't see guys/girls kissing, but you see guys kissing and hugging each other. And I just kept thinking: "I want the too...".
Besides checking out guys, I talked to some guys and I had a great night. Other than going to the Gay parade in Amsterdam, I think this was my first visit to the gay scene and I loved it. Will I go out to the COC disco in Leiden again? Yes, definitely.

20-01-2003:
It's been a long time since I put an entry into this log.
Another coming out! I told my cousin. She is someone that I can get along with very well. She's very down to earth and for some reason we are always on the same wavelength.
In my heart I'm hoping that she will tell her parents. That would mean that in no time my whole family knows I'm gay. I know, it's the "chicken way" of telling them who I really am. But it's so easy.

I feel inside that I'm ready for telling more people about my sexual preference. I think I need to get it out in the open. That is actually my goal for this year. To tell every one I know that I'm gay...

25-01-2003:
Yesterday when I was on the phone with my mother, I mentioned that I had told my cousin that I was gay. I could sense that she was not that happy about it. Not the fact that I had told my cousin, but the fact fact that I said I was gay. You see, when I came out to my parents two years ago, I considered myself bisexual. In the last two years my feelings have shifted and I now consider myself for 95% gay.
I guess my mother was still hoping that I would bring home a girlfriend. I guess that is not going to happen.

20-02-2003:
Wow, it's going great. It's getting easier telling people. I told another friend. Recently our friendship has become very close. She's truly a fun girl to be with and when I'm around her I have a great time.
It was the day before her 20th birthday. We were in the car on our way to go shopping with another friend. I don't know exactly how we got to that topic, but then I blurted it out. "You don't know this, but I'm very gay!". I had planned to tell her sometime after her birthday, but the moment was there and I took it.

21-02-2003:
It was the birthday of my friend whom I told yesterday about my sexual preference.
All of a sudden someone ask me whether I like women or men. I kind of smiled and didn't answer right away. For some reason after she asked me that question she kept talking, so didn't get to answer.
You know what? I really, really, really would have wanted to answer that question with "Yes I like men". But I couldn't. Not because I was scared, afraid of their reactions or something, but I didn't want to become the topic of conversation of that evening. The birthday girl was the star of that evening and I didn't want to take that from her.

01-03-2003:
Saturday evening.
I had very open conversation with my friend who's birthday it was a week ago. We talked about me and me being gay. We talked about her, her feelings. We talked about emotions, friends and many other topics. It felt great to be able to talk so freely and open with someone. I feel I can tell her everything and it seems she feels the same way. We talked for hours and I feel so relieved, liberated. She is truly a unique person and a great friend.

23-03-2003:
A lot has happened since I wrote my last entry.
Being in love with a heterosexual guy, who can't return the feelings you have for him, really sucks. You can't control who you fall in love with, but when you try to live like I do; by instinct and by what my heart tells me; it's almost impossible to ignore these feelings. And that's when it hurts. Feelings that don't get answered and not being able to ignore them, that hurts.

Anyway, I did some fun things too.
Two weeks ago and again last night we (my cousin and I) went to the COC Leiden, a bar/disco for homosexual en lesbian people. I enjoyed both times very much. Meeting new people, people who are alike. I am actually enjoying going out to a bar/disco where as before I did not. I feel like I'm living more now than I have ever lived before.

17-04-2003:
Today I told another close colleague of mine. We work very close together but I never got around to it to tell him. It's a shame really why I waited so long, but at least now I can also be completely open and honest with him. I feel good about telling him.

22-05-2003:
My coming out is going very well. In January I set myself a goal for this year: telling as much people that I'm gay.
I was talking to my uncle about my cousin. He told me that she had a boyfriend and said something like "If only you were to meet a nice lady". Well... I thought it was time to set him straight. :)) So, I told him. In January I already told my cousin, so she knows. I guess more and more relatives will know soon :-)

30-05-2003:
My mother told me that she told her sister (my aunt) about me. I told you my coming out is going great.
I am actually blessed with great relatives and friends. So far no-one has reacted badly. I know I'm not the first to be this lucky, but it makes me think about all the other guys and girls who are homosexual and are not as fortunate as me. Some of them even have to give up friends or relatives so they can live their lives as their own heart tells them. I feel for them.
Why do I have all the luck... !!??

10-06-2003:
Neighbors. Funny really, a lot of people know I'm gay but until today none of my neighbors knew. And with some I have a very good relationship. Again as before the topic came up and I told them. It came as a bit of a surprise to them, they actually never thought of me that way. OK, OK my timing was a bit off, especially since they are getting married in three days. But what the.... I'm glad they know.

25-06-2003:
Out of the blue a colleague of mine send me an e-mail. He had visited my website and send me a really supporting message. He was told about my website by another colleague. Although I actually told only a few colleagues, I guess the story is going around. And like he said in his e-mail... all these others who know by now I don't have to tell myself.

15-09-2003:
It's been some time since I wrote something in here. But a lot has happened...

At my work I can tell that almost everyone know that I am gay. It feels good that almost everyone knows. It feels like I'm getting to the point that I've wanting to achieve. I know I've been living with a bit of a double standard. What I mean is that I want everyone to know that I'm gay and on the other hand I don't feel like telling anyone just out of the blue. I only feel like telling them when the subject come up. But since the subject doesn't come up that other, it means that my coming up is taking a long time.

Recently my father told his brothers (my uncles) that I'm gay. I'm proud of him for doing so. Even though he has accepted it completely, I know it probably wasn't easy for him.

28-12-2003:
Another 3 months has past...
In the beginning of the year I set myself a goal. To tell as much people that I'm gay. I think I can say that I've reached my goal. :-)

A lot has happened this last year.
- Almost everybody knows by now.
- I've been in love with a guy who couldn't answer the feelings I had for him and that went terribly wrong.
- I'm going out more in the gay scene. Meeting new people with new stories. It's refreshing. :-)

So, what's it to be next year? I have no idea. I haven't set any goals (yet) for next year. We'll see what happens...

02-05-2004:
Okay, okay. Maybe I should have set goals at the beginning of the year, because not much has happened since January 1st. :) I don't mean that it has been boring... not at all. I'm enjoying life.

I am OUT!!! I can speak freely about being gay. I love the discussions I sometimes have about it. The burden has gone, which gives me a liberating sensation. Although not 100% of the people who know me, know I'm gay. I consider myself "out of the closet". This does not mean I'll end this Coming Out story. I simply let it continue as my diary. Whenever I feel like I have something to say, I will put it in this log.

So, I guess it's time for a boyfriend :) No, I don't have a boyfriend yet, but I feel ready. Let's see who will cross my way. If interesting enough... I'll let you know. :)

12-12-2004:
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face. A smile which started last night and hasn't stopped since.

Kissing a guy makes me smile. Kissing a very cute guy makes me smile even more. Last night I kissed a very cute guy.

So far, so incredibly good. :-)

04-03-2005:
Well, as you might have guessed, it didn't really work out with that guy I kissed. I saw him a few times and he is really cute. But for some reason we weren't thinking on the same level.
Next time better... I can't wait. :-)

06-10-2005:
Okay, it's been a long time since I wrote something in here. There was really not much to tell. A bit dull don't you think!

Today my best friend said something no other girl has ever said to me before. We were talking about looks and bodies and stuff. I told her that I didn't think of myself as a top model, but at the same time I didn't think I was ugly. I look okay to me.
Then came the magic words... she said: "If I were gay, I would do you so hard...". Well there is a first time for everything and this was a first for me. :-)

03-12-2005:
Today I was chatting on MSN with a guy I've known a long time. It was Saturday evening and we both had nothing to do, so I invited him over for chat.
We talked about a lot of things that evening and we had fun watching TV.
Looking back it was just a fun evening but for some reason I felt there was more to come.

17-12-2005:
During the next two weeks we chatted some more on MSN. He wanted to know about me and about being gay. Every day we chatted there were more questions. He said he wasn't sure whether he is homosexual or not.
On Saturday he came over once again. We chatted, we watched TV and then... we kissed.
He is a bit younger than I am but I don't think that will be a problem.

23-12-2005:
Being is love is great, especially when the other one likes you too. But am I in love???

31-12-2005:
New Years Eve...
He came by that evening. We had a great time playing games and enjoying each other. We spend the evening together, drank champagne and he stayed the better part of the night. And no... he didn't stay the entire night... I felt it was too soon.
Still, it was a great beginning of a new year!

15-01-2006:
It's been two weeks since New Year's Eve.
He and I had a talk. I felt there was something missing between us. I feel attracted to him, I like being with him, I like kissing him... but I'm not in love. This is new to me, usually it is the other way around.
What am I to do now???

20-01-2006:
What am I to do now???
Even though I feel attracted to him and he feels the same way about me, we basically decided to leave it at that for now. I felt there was something missing and that's the main reason why we made this decision.

Am I happy with this decision? Yes and no. I feel relieved and yet he is a very cute and nice guy.

14-02-2006:
Valentine's day...
I finally got the nerve to send a Valentine's card to some one I really like. Well, more than 'really like' actually and for a very long time. He is funny, smart, intelligent, cute, he sports a lot, just the kind of guy I like. I sent the card anonymously of course because that's how it should be done. Furthermore I had no idea whether he is heterosexual of homosexual. I needed to find out that first.
I sent the card by e-mail as I didn't know his home address. This gave him the opportunity to reply to my anonymous Valentine's card.

I knew my chances were slim, but one can hope, can't I? Unfortunately he replied that I was on a road to nowhere.

Like I said, one can hope. I laid my cards on the table and it wasn't to be.

...

This one actually hurts. For some reason I got my hopes up real high, eventhough I knew my chances were slim. :-(

Hmmm, why are the guys I like/love either not gay of not interested in me? I can't influence either of those factors, they're outside of my control. That makes it even worse.
Sometimes life is a bitch...

06-06-2006:
Sometimes you have the funniest and most promising conversations on http://www.gay.nl
Today I chatted with a guy I've known for some years. His relationship ended about 2 months ago. Our chat was very open and clear and it got me excited. I could feel my heart beat faster. :-)
Let see what the next couple of days days will bring...

11-06-2006:
We went to the movies today. We saw Poseidon, a great action film with lots of special effects although the story itself was just okay.
Afterwards we drove to my house and sat on the balcony and talked until past midnight. It was great and I had fun. Because he stayed this late, I'm sure he liked it too.
When it was time for him to go home, we kissed goodbye. To me it was more than just a few kisses. I hope he feels the same way, but this might come too soon for him after his last relationship.
I'm having positive thoughts, but to tell the truth I'm not absolutely sure this is going to have a happy ending...

20-06-2006:
Like I thought, it was way too soon for him after his last relationship ended so we decided to remain friends. We were friends before this episode and I don't regret staying friends.
But it is nice to have kissed him though. :-)

31-08-2006:
It's time for an update.
Lately I've been going out in the gay scene quit a lot. Along with a friend we go to parties and pubs. I'm enjoying myself very much and have quite some fun. Going out, meeting new people has resulted in a few flings and serveral times sex.

Next week I'll be on holiday to Gran Canarie - Play del Ingles. I don't know about the gay scene there, but I'm gonna check it out :-)
I'll let you know.

19-09-2006:
Holiday to Gran Canarie - Play del Ingles was great. Sunny weather, high termperatures, great friends... it was super!

On Gran Canaria were lots of guys... gay guys. :) Unfortunally almost none of them were single. Most of them came there as a couple. That was too bad. Maybe I should go back there with my boyfriend sometime. :)